In my last post I very briefly explored what the term spirituality has meant to me over the years. I've gone through religious phases, a hippie phase, my atheist years and now, I find myself at home in the belief that spirituality is about just that - coming home to no one and nothing but myself. My authentic, real and RAW self.
In my near 29 years, I have unknowingly (at the time) given my power away to God, to marijuana, to alcohol, to rational thinking and black and white ways of viewing, to the outside world (to name a few) and in doing so, I ignored the most important piece of the puzzle...MYSELF!
That is just crazy, don't you think!?
We live in a world with so much distraction and where the notion of spending quiet moments with and by ourselves in effort to get to know ourselves, is not a normal part of the every day conversation. We are constantly inundated by both direct AND subtle messages of how we should behave, feel, look and act, that it is no wonder we (collectively) have little understanding of who and what we truly are as women. It is no wonder we struggle with self esteem and self worth issues! We give the power away to people and things outside of ourselves because we have no idea who or how or why or what we are! We are constantly being told how we should feel, act and look.
For years I gave my power away to weed. I got so high every day that I was unproductive and completely stuck under a massive black cloud of depression. I was plagued by a crippling belief that I was useless and that I could achieve nothing. Somewhere in there I got into drinking and soon enough, it was both weed and alcohol every day. I had all these dreams and the best intentions, but when it came down to it, the only thing I knew how to do was to get intoxicated. Eventually, after so many years of smoking weed, my anxiety was so bad that it wasn't enjoyable to smoke weed anymore. You'd think this would have stopped me...but it didn't. I continued getting high and feeling anxiety for probably two years or so before I finally and truly cut down. Did that stop me from drinking? You bet it didn't.
My drinking habit lasted from the age of 19 pretty much until I was 27 years old. In July 2017, I decided to speak to my parents about it. We were just getting ready to head up to the cottage for a family vacation and just days prior had stocked up on craft beers, gin, wine, liquors and more. My parents were concerned but offered their unending support in helping me along in my decision to either cut out alcohol, moderate it and at the very least, my need to consider my relationship with and to it.
Getting to know who I was without alcohol was weird and uncomfortable, but it needed to be done. I had given away so much of my power and self worth to booze, that I was convinced I didn't and couldn't exist without its grip on my life. Never mind the heart palpitations or terrible sleeps and 'blue days' that followed a night of drinking, I didn't know how to release it from my world when it WAS my world!
Looking back I see that I had no idea what self love even was. It is so often packaged as a bottle of wine for a girls night in, that it is easy to think they are one and the same. Hard day at work? Beer. Long day in transit? Wine. Every answer to every question was the same...drink!
What is your vice? Food? Sugar? Sex? What happens if these vices get taken away? Do you believe you are enough without them? Does that thought scare you?
Of course it does! But it doesn't have to.
We just need to learn and relearn and share that we are enough.
No amount of alcohol or weed or sugar or sex will ever make us feel whole. Only you can do that.